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Confession #9: Another hard decision to make

And here I am again. But it’s not October 2017 (this post). It’s June 2021. Actually I think it was May 2021 when I sent a note to my supervisor, telling him I had to let go of something.

My husband died in April this year. When I was finally ready to return to work, I knew I needed to reassess me, and what I felt I was capable of doing.

I don’t know if any of you have lost your spouse. I didn’t know the impact that loss would have on me. The motivation that I no longer felt.

Something had to give. I thought long and hard about it. So in my note to my supervisor, I tried to explain this: I can no longer supervise my two direct reports. I don’t have it in me anymore to be a champion for them. To encourage them to continue to grow their career. To be a role model for them. To sit with them and do their annual performance appraisals. To approve their timesheets. I just don’t have it in me anymore to be a good supervisor.

And of course, my supervisor called me and during that conversation, he mentioned how it might be better after a while. It felt like he was trying to tell me to hang in there, that I’ll get over my feelings at some point and I could continue to serve as a supervisor.

I stood my ground and said no, it won’t. It won’t get better. I don’t want to supervise anyone any longer. I told him again how it’s not fair to those two admins to have a supervisor who can no longer be their champion.

He finally understood (thank you supervisor!). And he helped push my decision up the chain of command.

And when things were finally put in place, my supervisor let me know that those two admins now have a new supervisor.

Which helped me breathe a little bit better.

Knowing that I don’t have to “care” for someone else at work. That no one is dependent on me for encouragement, advice, or resources with respect to their job.

It’s not that I don’t care. I do. But at this point with my major lifestyle change . . . I don’t have it in me to take care of other adults.

I just don’t.

Sorry.

4 thoughts on “Confession #9: Another hard decision to make”

  1. Good on you for standing your ground and caring for yourself and your emotions through the grieving process. That’s really important. And you don’t need to say sorry. Ever. Your feelings are your feelings and they’re valid and people GET TO respect them. 💞

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    • Thank you. It was a difficult decision for me to make, and I’m glad I did it. Not that I didn’t enjoy my work; I do. It was just knowing that I had to “look out” for others that was heavy on my heart and I didn’t feel I could do a good job.

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